Being [John Malkovich] Sarah Palin

I don’t know how it happened, but the pantry in my kitchen is a direct line to Sarah Palin. I was just reaching for the jar of peanut butter and, instead, my hand grabbed and withdrew a newly created mooseburger! Being that I don’t ever keep mooseburgers anywhere, much less the pantry, I stuck my head in the pantry to try and figure out what was going on.

The aroma was magnificent! I could see mooseburgers piled up on a platter, waiting for a trip to the grill. Sitting around the kitchen were members of the family and they occupied themselves with conversation and a huge plateful of something that they dipped in a very aromatic sauce. I have no idea what it was, but I could taste it! It had the taste of venison surrounded by an earthy zest of something. I wanted more.

I was overcome with thirst and withdrew my head from the pantry and stumbled backwards, falling against the refrigerator door. I knew the only thing that could quench my thirst was the one bottle of Dos Equis in the fridge. The weird thing is that I never drink Dos Equis. The bottle was a leftover from the last family function, but I had to have it.

I thrust my head back in the pantry, but all I accomplished was putting a bruise on my forehead by hitting the shelf. No mooseburgers, no taste, no nothing! I was desperate. I needed another sensory sensation that peanut butter can no longer offer me. It just wasn’t there!

I’ve been awake now for 48 hours, sitting in front of my pantry and periodically thrusting my head into the boxes of pasta and cereal that sit on the second shelf. My wife has been crying for the last two days, convinced that I am completely lost. My daughter is really pissed off, because I won’t let her TOUCH the Cap’n Crunch. Scattered around my feet are several empty bottles of Dos Equis. I never drink that stuff! Where did it come from?

I don’t know how much longer I can keep this up. Surely there’s an answer to what I experienced. In the meantime, I’m sitting here waiting for another whiff of mooseburgers. My God, I can taste it!